We Don’t Need Gun Control. We Need Horace the Jitterbugging Nitwit.

The second the school board decided that our beloved mascot Horace the Jitterbugging Nitwit was no longer allowed in East Williamsport Middle School, they practically invited a mass shooting. Guess what? That’s exactly what has happened. Fourteen of our community’s students—beautiful teenagers whose lives had only begun to bud—have been gunned down in cold blood … Continue reading We Don’t Need Gun Control. We Need Horace the Jitterbugging Nitwit.

Advertisements

Amazon HB2 Invites Your City To Be Blown To Smithereens

Amazon invites your city to submit a response to this Request for Proposal. Amazon is undertaking a spirited selection process and considering which North American city will be completely and utterly leveled with a hydrogen bomb. To add context, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos got totally sauced last Saturday night and drunk-ordered a hydrogen bomb on … Continue reading Amazon HB2 Invites Your City To Be Blown To Smithereens

I’m The Dolphin Who Saved A Human From A Shark Attack, But I Don’t Begrudge Those Dolphins Who Find Catharsis In a Good Ol’ Fashioned Mauling

Yes, I saved a surfer from being chomped into mushy human flotsam by a bull shark. I heard my story even became internet click bait, so to speak. But listen. I have a confession. I briefly considered simply letting the dumb schmuck get totally Sharknado-ed. Wow! But I thought dolphins were super friendly! I thought … Continue reading I’m The Dolphin Who Saved A Human From A Shark Attack, But I Don’t Begrudge Those Dolphins Who Find Catharsis In a Good Ol’ Fashioned Mauling

I, the Grim Reaper, Am Immortally Afraid That Keith Richards Will Give Me The Kiss Of Life

I’m having a helluva time falling asleep. I got this creeping sense that I’ll wake up alive. Sure, I’m the Grim Reaper…the Angel of Death. But I’m immortally afraid that, any time now, Keith Richards will finally catch up to me. I know life is coming. I’m just not ready for Keith Richards. I’m not … Continue reading I, the Grim Reaper, Am Immortally Afraid That Keith Richards Will Give Me The Kiss Of Life

The Worst of the NFL: Stillers v Bengals MNF

John Gruden: He had me pining for Cris Collinsworth. If he wasn't such a football addict, he's be just your typical meatheat. But because 87% of his is dedicated to football, he's operating on 13% capacity to accomplish routine activities. I bet he needs someone to tie his shoes and brush his teeth. And his … Continue reading The Worst of the NFL: Stillers v Bengals MNF

Please, Please, Come For My Guns After I Pissed Away So Much Of My Life Hiding Them

For God’s sake, come for my guns. Come get ‘em. Someone…anyone. I’m begging you. Come for my guns. I can’t let a decade’s worth of hiding and booby trapping my totally bitchen arsenal go down the tubes. Hey, Obama bin Laden! You may be windsurfing with Richard Branson these days instead of plotting to unleash … Continue reading Please, Please, Come For My Guns After I Pissed Away So Much Of My Life Hiding Them

America NEEDS Donald Trump

Contrary to denunciations, Donald Trump indeed made the predicted presidential pivot after being sworn-in as the 45th President of the United States. Unfortunately, the pivot was 360 degrees. And that's good. Donald Trump is only going to be loonier, and more destructive. And that's good too. America needs an egotistical, bigoted, narcissistic, ignorant, morally indifferent, … Continue reading America NEEDS Donald Trump