Former Obama White House aide Ben Rhodes quotes the 44th president as saying, “Sometimes I wonder where I was 10 or 20 years too early (to be POTUS).” Washington Post writer Dana Milbank argues the same in a recent editorial, but, according to Milbank, Obama was only “too early” because the country won’t be a … Continue reading “Yes We Can”? No, we didn’t.
Fellow Mutha’ Yukkers. We need to talk about Burt. Ever since he lost everything in the house fire, his stage performances have been less “yuk, yuk, yuk” and more “what the fuck, fuck, fuck?!” And with the show at the Venango County Amateur Astronomers Refractor Bash just two weekends from now I’m fearful that Burt’s … Continue reading Ever Since Burt Lost Everything in the Fire, He’s Been a Drag on the Mutha’ Yukkers Improv Troupe
The second the school board decided that our beloved mascot Horace the Jitterbugging Nitwit was no longer allowed in East Williamsport Middle School, they practically invited a mass shooting. Guess what? That’s exactly what has happened. Fourteen of our community’s students—beautiful teenagers whose lives had only begun to bud—have been gunned down in cold blood … Continue reading We Don’t Need Gun Control. We Need Horace the Jitterbugging Nitwit.
Amazon invites your city to submit a response to this Request for Proposal. Amazon is undertaking a spirited selection process and considering which North American city will be completely and utterly leveled with a hydrogen bomb. To add context, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos got totally sauced last Saturday night and drunk-ordered a hydrogen bomb on … Continue reading Amazon HB2 Invites Your City To Be Blown To Smithereens
Yes, I saved a surfer from being chomped into mushy human flotsam by a bull shark. I heard my story even became internet click bait, so to speak. But listen. I have a confession. I briefly considered simply letting the dumb schmuck get totally Sharknado-ed. Wow! But I thought dolphins were super friendly! I thought … Continue reading I’m The Dolphin Who Saved A Human From A Shark Attack, But I Don’t Begrudge Those Dolphins Who Find Catharsis In a Good Ol’ Fashioned Mauling
I’m having a helluva time falling asleep. I got this creeping sense that I’ll wake up alive. Sure, I’m the Grim Reaper…the Angel of Death. But I’m immortally afraid that, any time now, Keith Richards will finally catch up to me. I know life is coming. I’m just not ready for Keith Richards. I’m not … Continue reading I, the Grim Reaper, Am Immortally Afraid That Keith Richards Will Give Me The Kiss Of Life
John Gruden: He had me pining for Cris Collinsworth. If he wasn't such a football addict, he's be just your typical meatheat. But because 87% of his is dedicated to football, he's operating on 13% capacity to accomplish routine activities. I bet he needs someone to tie his shoes and brush his teeth. And his … Continue reading The Worst of the NFL: Stillers v Bengals MNF
Henry is looking up. The emergency exit behind him is propped open half an inch by a wooden doorstop that the smokers employed at Rocktop and the Boys LLC use to keep from being locked out. Henry stands beside the wooden picnic bench on which a coffee can full of cigarette butts still smolders after … Continue reading Looking Up
For God’s sake, come for my guns. Come get ‘em. Someone…anyone. I’m begging you. Come for my guns. I can’t let a decade’s worth of hiding and booby trapping my totally bitchen arsenal go down the tubes. Hey, Obama bin Laden! You may be windsurfing with Richard Branson these days instead of plotting to unleash … Continue reading Please, Please, Come For My Guns After I Pissed Away So Much Of My Life Hiding Them
I have officially boarded the Trump Train. Toot-toot! I’ve reread my Facebook status updates and blog posts since Donald Trump rode down the golden escalator over two years ago, and I’m ashamed. I regret all my rants that target President Donald J. Trump, and each and every person who vehemently support him. I’m here to … Continue reading The Great Comeuppance