Raised On Boring Workaholic Athletes Who Happen To Be Super White

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 8/12/14. The field correspondent from ABC’s Good Morning America asked 10-year-old me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I saw my reflection in the lens of the hulking television camera bearing down from above; I had a burly moustache and spit chaw, while clad in mid-80’s Phillies home pinstripes. … Continue reading Raised On Boring Workaholic Athletes Who Happen To Be Super White

Don’t Give Me Reason To Ghost Ball Punch Your New Husband

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 6/9/14. Last Saturday evening Kait and I took a stroll through Calvary Cemetery in Greenfield. Along the bend near the main entrance, beside the newly built three-story mega-mausoleum, I noticed a large weathered tombstone with the last name BUTERA embossed across the front. (all names have been changed to protect … Continue reading Don’t Give Me Reason To Ghost Ball Punch Your New Husband

Email Exchange Between A Sick Child And His Favorite Minor League Baseball Player

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 12/31/13. To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com Subject: WTF??? Hey there Danny. It’s me Jeremy. I’m the sick kid you visited in the Bentleyville Hospital last Thursday. Remember? Anyway, you promised me you’d hit me a home run. Instead you bounced into a game-ending 6-4-3 double play. Don’t you care that I’m … Continue reading Email Exchange Between A Sick Child And His Favorite Minor League Baseball Player

What Gun Would Jesus Carry?

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 3/10/13. I recently read an editorial in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette entitled “What Gun Would Jesus Carry.”  I wonder why Jesus would need to carry firearms at all. His father is the Alpha and the Omega, the creator and destroyer of world, Superman on bath salts. One mighty swipe of his palm and … Continue reading What Gun Would Jesus Carry?

Slice Of Toast Image Mysteriously Appears In Virgin Mary Blow Mold

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 12/14/14. Bentleyville, USA. (AP)- Who says Bentleyville isn't a tourist destination? The population of the small town has swelled dramatically since news of a local barkeep's bizarre discovery swept through the sleepy community, and far beyond. "I was just staring at the Nativity scene in front of the Rufus County … Continue reading Slice Of Toast Image Mysteriously Appears In Virgin Mary Blow Mold

Christian Youth Group Form Prayer Circle Around Tornado. Banish It To Hell.

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 2/16/16. Bentleyville, USA (AP)- Al Roker never predicted a rapturous burst of the power of prayer in his weekend forecast. The Child Soldiers For Christ youth group had assembled at their regular “divine debriefing” Sunday morning service when a loud noise startled those inside the First United Bentleyville Church of Our Holy … Continue reading Christian Youth Group Form Prayer Circle Around Tornado. Banish It To Hell.

Sick Child Defeats Illness. Townspeople Pissed.

-originally published in Crooked Lullabies, 1/12/12. Bentleyville, USA. (AP)- Nine-year-old roller coaster enthusiast Elliot Karstens has set off a firestorm among the residents of his rural Pennsylvania town by overcoming steep odds and defeating a rare form of lung cancer. A little more than a year ago, Elliot was diagnosed with Pleural Mesothelioma and given … Continue reading Sick Child Defeats Illness. Townspeople Pissed.

Fighter Jet Flyovers: The Messy Money Shot Of Awesome

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 1/7/12. (First Digital Rights of this piece are owed by the literary magazine Defenestration,) The leggy blonde behind the microphone clears her throat one final time. The capacity crowd—already restless in anticipation of the first pitch on Opening Day—struggles to temper themselves. The players line the base paths, hats over … Continue reading Fighter Jet Flyovers: The Messy Money Shot Of Awesome

Backwash Patriotism: Save Us Toby Keith

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 1/7/12. First of all, all Americans owe Toby Keith a long overdue thank you for releasing the kick-ass song Brought To You Courtesy Of The Red, White, And Blue as the dust cleared after the tragedy on 9/11.Since he warned the Jihadists of the world that he would "put a boot in … Continue reading Backwash Patriotism: Save Us Toby Keith

Product Review: Bumper Balls™

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 10/12/12. Wow! No other truck testicles can hang with Bumper Balls™ ” -Burt Webster (Paducah, KY) I’ve gotta’ tell everyone how great Bumper Balls™  are for truck owners. Over the years I’ve owed many brands of testicles that attach underneath the back bumper of your vehicle: Truck’s Nuts, TruckNutz, TruqueNutts, … Continue reading Product Review: Bumper Balls™