Trimming The Chimichanga

- response to a letter in the Pgh Post-Gazette, written by a schmuck from Mt. Washington named Albert Bruno Bianchini This letter is in response to Stop With The Mass Hatred For Our President, posted in the PPG on 7/25/17. The author bemoans the "hatred" targeted at President Trump by the "shameful" media, and the … Continue reading Trimming The Chimichanga

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Pink Gloyd And The Endless River…Of Scarves, Marbles And Fake Backstage Passes.

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 10/12/14. am a Pink Floyd completest. If the band officially releases any licensed product—music product, I mean—I feel compelled to hastily purchase said product. Frankly, this compulsion is a curse. Why? Besides spending nearly every dime earned as a teenage stock clerk at Kmart on imported bootlegged concerts and rare … Continue reading Pink Gloyd And The Endless River…Of Scarves, Marbles And Fake Backstage Passes.

Raised On Boring Workaholic Athletes Who Happen To Be Super White

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 8/12/14. The field correspondent from ABC’s Good Morning America asked 10-year-old me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I saw my reflection in the lens of the hulking television camera bearing down from above; I had a burly moustache and spit chaw, while clad in mid-80’s Phillies home pinstripes. … Continue reading Raised On Boring Workaholic Athletes Who Happen To Be Super White

Don’t Give Me Reason To Ghost Ball Punch Your New Husband

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 6/9/14. Last Saturday evening Kait and I took a stroll through Calvary Cemetery in Greenfield. Along the bend near the main entrance, beside the newly built three-story mega-mausoleum, I noticed a large weathered tombstone with the last name BUTERA embossed across the front. (all names have been changed to protect … Continue reading Don’t Give Me Reason To Ghost Ball Punch Your New Husband

Email Exchange Between A Sick Child And His Favorite Minor League Baseball Player

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 12/31/13. To: DAndrews@Microbursts.com From: bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com Subject: WTF??? Hey there Danny. It’s me Jeremy. I’m the sick kid you visited in the Bentleyville Hospital last Thursday. Remember? Anyway, you promised me you’d hit me a home run. Instead you bounced into a game-ending 6-4-3 double play. Don’t you care that I’m … Continue reading Email Exchange Between A Sick Child And His Favorite Minor League Baseball Player

What Gun Would Jesus Carry?

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 3/10/13. I recently read an editorial in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette entitled “What Gun Would Jesus Carry.”  I wonder why Jesus would need to carry firearms at all. His father is the Alpha and the Omega, the creator and destroyer of world, Superman on bath salts. One mighty swipe of his palm and … Continue reading What Gun Would Jesus Carry?

Slice Of Toast Image Mysteriously Appears In Virgin Mary Blow Mold

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 12/14/14. Bentleyville, USA. (AP)- Who says Bentleyville isn't a tourist destination? The population of the small town has swelled dramatically since news of a local barkeep's bizarre discovery swept through the sleepy community, and far beyond. "I was just staring at the Nativity scene in front of the Rufus County … Continue reading Slice Of Toast Image Mysteriously Appears In Virgin Mary Blow Mold

Christian Youth Group Form Prayer Circle Around Tornado. Banish It To Hell.

-originally published on Crooked Lullabies, 2/16/16. Bentleyville, USA (AP)- Al Roker never predicted a rapturous burst of the power of prayer in his weekend forecast. The Child Soldiers For Christ youth group had assembled at their regular “divine debriefing” Sunday morning service when a loud noise startled those inside the First United Bentleyville Church of Our Holy … Continue reading Christian Youth Group Form Prayer Circle Around Tornado. Banish It To Hell.