A good guy with a gun is the only solution to a bad guy with a gun. Mostly because, in essence, it just sounds and feels so true, especially when you first hear it and don’t give it any further thought, ever. However, a good guy with a gun isn’t going to stop a bad guy with a gun. That’s dumb. I mean, no one knows who a bad guy with the gun is until the chamber is empty and there’s a bunch of bodies all over the place. But a good guy with a gun absolutely must be the solution. It’s gotta’ be, because, well, if you say something too many times it becomes true.
So, if a good guy with a gun can’t stop a bad guy with a gun—despite the uncountable times a bad guy posts distinct threats on Reddit, and said threats are reported to authorities who apparently can’t solve the Captcha, then the bad guy shows up at a church, looking like a walking Army surplus store—how can a good guy with a gun still be the answer? I can only think of one super obvious possibility that I’ve somehow overlooked: a good gun with a gun shoots the victims back to life. How this extremely self-evident conclusion eluded me for so long…
I believe it was Sherlock Holmes who said “ When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” Therefore, it’s elementary…a good guy with a life-resuscitating semi-automatic rifle. Duh!
Since I’m not in the NRA, nor am I a Second Amendment constitutional scholar, I’m a little fuzzy on the deets. But I’m comforted by the thought of a good guy with a gun blowing the brains back into the head of a random target of a bad guy’s rage. Is it magic bullets? Space-time manipulation? Do guns even really exist? I ain’t no policy wonk, but I’m willing to put my faith in the explanation that shooting a mangled blood-soaked victim back into existence is the only rational antidote to mass slaughter. I know because that’s what the gun people keep saying. And they must be experts because they have so many guns, and they want to keep having so many guns.
Once a bad guy with a gun has done his thing and buggered off, just call in the good guy with a gun to shoot things back to normal. I imagine it’s like calling a janitor after Billy pukes in the cafeteria. He brings in the kitty litter and bucket and goes to town. Then it’s like Billy never puked. Likewise, the good guy with the gun just goes around the cafeteria and shoots the poor Billy back to his feet. The next thing you know he’s back in line for leftover coffee cakes and Ding Dongs, none-the-wiser.
I assume the job would go even quicker if the good guy used the same kind of rapid-fire type gun that the bad guy used. Just stand on a chair and blast mass-healing rounds into the scattered corpses, lickety-split.
I bet I’ve walked by a million rescue assault rifles behind glass in common areas, alongside defibrillators and fire hoses, without even knowing it. “In case of emergency, break class and reign fire.” Are there antibiotic pistols in first aid kits? And definitely give all the teachers guns, obviously. “Go ahead and waste your time shooting up my classroom. Cause Mrs. Stallworth teaches reading, writing, and trigger-nometry, motherfucker.”
Do squads of first-responder good guys with guns, that can respond rapidly to scenes of bloodshed, exist? They should. How about fun names like Angels with ARs, or Semi-Automatic Samaritans, or Firearm Friends LLC? “Crap! A bad guy with a gun just sprayed gunfire at the nursing home on Bingo night!!! No prob. Just call on the life-restoring services of Five Guys With Bazookas.” Is a bazooka a gun? Regardless, those old folk will be smackin’ their daubers like there was never just an unspeakable mass murder situation.
I’ve got to hand it to the gun experts for coming up with the sole reasonable solution to gun violence. I admit, I feel like a massive dope for not seeing what was staring me smack in the face the whole time: resurrecting guns. How could I have been so blind? Stupid, stupid me. How many good guys with guns, who have definitely brought victims back to life by shooting them, do I need to thank for their services? Without them, the bad guys with guns would be shooting and killing people all the time. Like, all the time.
And we all know that thoughts and prayers won’t bring people back to life.
Gunmeddle 