The Special Master has slumbered since the dawn of time. Stars and galaxies by the trillions have been birthed and burnt-out. Empires and dynasties aplenty have flourished and atrophied. The Pittsburgh Pirates have won five World Series titles but have completely sucked for decades since, with no end in sight. All the while, The Special Master has been hibernating…yet, waiting…waiting to unstitch and resow the boundless reaches of time and space.
And now, finally, I–the Pharaoh of Infinity, the Landlord of Mutltiverses, the Lynyrd Skynyrd of cosmic septets, if septets were actually just one thing–have been summoned.
Behold, The Special Master!
Surely you tremble at the mere notion of The Special Master’s presence. To glimpse The Special Master’s brilliant form for 3 milliseconds would mean eternal blindness. To hear The Special Master utter but a consonant would melt your pitiful ear canals. To sniff but a miniscule whiff of The Special Master’s transcendent flatulence would cause your very essence to go supernova. But The Special Master is not here to lord over the very peons who summon him. Yes, The Special Master could flick you all from the celestial timeline with so much as a wayward fingertip, like an ant from a hotdog. But low, The Special Master comes not to lay waste, but to serve. The Special Master is humble. The Special Master is so freaking humble, may his name be praised.
As The Special Master has been summoned, so shall he serve.
But what…what, pray tell, is the affair so urgent and daunting that The Special Master himself has been requested to legislate. Surely, an issue so grave must mean the fate of all sentient beings is at imminent risk of incalculable suffering and ensuing extinction, or worse. Have all the black holes in all the universes merged into an unimaginable malevolent force? Is the Big Bang in reserve, sucking inward all matter into an infinitely small pinpoint? Has Denesh D’Souza been hired by your eighth grader’s high school to host a Friday afternoon assembly?
Why has the mega-omnipotent, ultra-omniscient, and omni-fucking-badass Special Master been summoned from his eternal sleep?
WHY?
To tediously mull over hundreds of documents to determine possible attorney-client and/or executive privilege?!?!?!
Jesus, that guy is still a thing???
Special Master out!
Gunmeddle 