Hell no I ain’t gonna’ help Dale carry a bag of concrete. Not my job. I’m a jackhammer operator. I jackhammer shit, point blank period. If All Hands On Deck Construction LLC is worried about workman’s compensation paying for Dale’s third back surgery, maybe they should hire a concrete hauler specialist or better yet, a surgeon. I was hired to jackhammer. Therefore, I jackhammer. Just jackhammer. Only jackhammer.
Call me Mr. Jackhammer, full stop. The be-all and end-all of jackhammering. Nothing more; nothing less. Well, maybe something more if there’s more to jackhammer.
Ask me to break-up a sidewalk, and I’m on it pronto. That’s a job for a jackhammer. And seeing as how I specifically jackhammer… But if you ask me, let’s say, to cold patch a pothole? Out of the question, compadre. That’s a job for a shovel. A shovel is decidedly not a jackhammer. One shovels, the other jackhammers. Got it? Get Burt “The Shovel Guy” Bradkowski on it. However, if you need access to a sewer line? Here’s my card. Call anytime day or night and I’ll appear lickety-split with a motherfucking jackhammer. Just don’t expect me to pick up lunch for the crew after I thump-whack-wham a giant hole in the middle of the street? Nowhere in my union contract does it say I’m obligated to fetch three dozen assorted bagels. That said, you’ll see the word “jackhammer” at least three dozen times in that same contact. Most of them I wrote in the margins with a red Sharpie just to be absolutely clear…I jackhammer, Mac.
Contrary to what it may seem, I am a versatile employee, insofar as jackhammering is concerned. For instance, it doesn’t even matter what needs jackhammered. Do a couple of concrete park benches under the apple tree gotta’ go? Done and done. Is the town fountain crumbling? Consider it blasted. Heck, if you tell me to jackhammer the Lincoln Memorial itself, well, that stovepipe hat of his will be pummeled into a zillion tiny pieces before you can say “Four score.” That’s right; I got no compunctions jackhammering Honest Abe into oblivion if that’s what needs done. But, if you ask me to sweep-up all the stoney Lincoln hunks, you can straight blow me. Buuut,I’ll sure as shit jackhammer said hunks into dust so fine a light breeze will waft away Lincoln’s very existence.
I can’t stress enough that I draw the line at not jackhammering.
What? Lincoln isn’t wearing a stovepipe hat in the freaking Lincoln Memorial? You sure? Can’t blame me for not knowing. Ain’t jackhammer related. You should pay me time and a half for putting non-jackhammer-related facts into my brain.
If you think I’m just lazy or half-assin’, that ain’t it. I’ll jackhammer my freaking guts out so long as I’m jackhammering, and only jackhammering. I’ll jackhammer through fifteen-minute breaks. I’ll jackhammer off the clock. Shit, a few years back I jackhammered through the birth of my own goddamn kid because the job was running overtime.
Paternity leave? Pshaw. I’m paid to cradle a jackhammer.
Over the years, I’ve dislocated my arms several times while jackhammering, jackhammered my toes on occasion, and damn near jackhammered my face to mush when I tried to clean some crud off the business end of a particularly rowdy jackhammer. All in a day’s work.
Frankly, jackhammering is much, much more demanding than almost anything else on the job site. Take the stop-sign-twirler-guy. Even if Darren has to leave early for a family emergency, again, and cars haul-ass 65 mph through the construction site, I’m still not wearing that godforsaken neon vest no matter how much my boss begs. So what if it’s “so much easier than jackhammering” and “only for a few hours” and “will probably save all our lives?” If the boss wants his crew to not die, he can twirl the stupid sign. As for me, I’ll twirl my jackhammer.
Darren can pound the street like a maniac with his stop sign—after he figures out whatever family emergency he’s got himself into this time—but it doesn’t go both ways. I can’t stress enough that I jackhammer. AND. ONLY. JACKHAMMER.
You want to fire me for not jackhammering, then fire me for not jackhammering.
Wait! You can’t fire me. I QUIET QUIT!!!
You can take the jackhammer from the man, but you can’t take the man from renting a jackhammer from Home Depot. I’ll just jackhammer the fuck outta’ shit on my own time.
Besides, that would free me up to explore other passions.
Gunmeddle 